


I Exist

by FlametheSeraph



Series: Flame's Giant Book of Marbled Sin [3]
Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comfort, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy, Healthy Relationships, It's happy though I promise, M/M, Medicine, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Schizophrenia, Sharing a Bed, Smut, Some Humor, Song fic, Summer Night Vibes, Tim gets the love and care he deserves, Tim is bad at picking up on things, no operator au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26355466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlametheSeraph/pseuds/FlametheSeraph
Summary: Tim is up during the night as usual, thinking about a certain someone, when he gets a distraught call.Based on the song I Exist I Exist I Exist by Flatsound
Relationships: Jay Merrick/Timothy "Tim" Wright
Series: Flame's Giant Book of Marbled Sin [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2102739
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	I Exist

**Author's Note:**

> I HAVE BEEN COOKING THIS UP SINCE EARLY MAY, ENJOY!
> 
> Mentions of alcoholic parents and implied abuse, nothing explicit.  
> This is definitely NSFW but I didn't rate it E because it's not like crazy shit it's just normal healthy sex  
> Highly recommend listening to song while reading I'll link it.

[I Exist - Flatsound](https://youtu.be/jrVnwnR4kKc)

He couldn't sleep. Nothing unusual. Pain behind his eyes but sleep wouldn't bless him, and the summer air was too sticky for his night clothes, but too cold to not have a blanket, an itchy wool blanket he would kick off in annoyance, and pull back when he couldn't stand the chill anymore. But he still treasured the one bed, one bath house he saved up for in the country. Just barely high enough credit for the bank loan. That was one thing he could do right. He would pay his bills, because as long as he had insurance, food, a roof, and a car, he was satisfied. He could survive. At least tomorrow was Saturday … he didn't have to get up for work.

It's the sweet symphony of crickets, an occasionally very loud toad, and a strong breeze - he wishes his windows were bigger. He's hugging a pillow with his leg and _god this sucks_. He's not _depressed_ per say, just bummed out. He _knows_ what depression feels like. This can't be it. Can it? No.

He thinks about shutting the windows and turning on the AC but the outside noises remind him why he moved out here.

He drifts on his back and finds himself thinking back to college days - a mixture of the best moments of his life and straight nightmare fuel from the state of the dorms. He has a proclivity of thinking about a certain guy somewhat often. 

' _Just call him! Ask him to hang out!'_ But he always talks himself out of it.

' _Baby please, it's the way you speak,_ _forming words so easily. And I think of the way you think, it keeps me from falling asleep...In that grave I call a bed.'_

The phone on his nightstand rang. He recognized the number, a few years back, 'Jay Merrick.' A quiet, quirky guy Brian had introduced him too. Once his college roommate and best friend learned he had no other friends he made it a dead set mission to try and socialize Tim. Brian thought two mega introverts would get along great, but mostly, they were too shy to introduce themselves besides 'Hi I'm … name.' But their shared quiet was refreshing. They both knew the agitation Alex could have at certain times. He was passionate about his movie, and wanted more than what he could get. But Jay set out to do everything he could for him. They would go and get coffee for the rest of the crew during breaks - and they didn't actually _talk_. Just enjoyed the peace of their company, escaping their extroverted friends for a moment. The silence said a lot more than any words they could think of regardless. And Tim slowly started to develop a crush on the poor, unassuming man. He barely knew anything about the guy - but Tim's selection of people was very limited with his background. He could only collect things through his body language, his odd little movements, and his quiet observation. When he did talk, he stumbled over himself a lot, speaking kinda fast to push his thoughts out as quickly as possible. Tim was the same way, but Jay looked _cute_ doing it. Tim thought that Jay should be in the movie more, rather than just a singular scene on a bench as an extra. But _god_ neither him or Alex could act for shit. Jay was too awkward to put himself out there, Alex was too full of it to even realize - or at least care, and Tim doesn't think he has any skill, but the others seem to think he does. It was all worth it for the little thumbs up he got from Jay when he read the script correctly.

He knew he had it rough when he was getting aggravated with Alex yelling at him and Sarah in the gazebo, Jay following the raging inferno around trying to cool him down. He kept watching Jay shyly cowering from Alex's shouts and wanted to pull him off into the woods, shove him against a tree, and kiss the living daylights out of him, so he could reward Jay for his great patience. And also to maybe piss off Alex in the process by stealing away his "script supervisor."

A terrible melancholy flooded over him at the end of the film, knowing they probably wouldn't hang out like they did. Getting coffee was just a necessity now. It wasn't enjoyable, and rather anxiety inducing when he was alone, surrounded by strangers while waiting in line.

He realized over time, that his feelings were probably blindingly one-sided. That Jay just never talked to him because he felt so _awkward_ being near him.

He finally sucks up his courage on the last ring of the little flip phone and picks it up.

"Hello?"

".. H-Hi I'm sorry for calling so late … there wasn't anyone else I could … it doesn't matter it's kinda ... stupid. I'm sorry-" His voice breaks and he sounds like he's panting and ready to hang up.

"Hey, hey - Don't worry about it, not like you woke me up. You alright?"

"I … uh … I mean I'm safe but … not … really… no."

Tim's mother mode activated.

"Does that mean you weren't safe? What happened? Did someone do something? Do I need to beat someone up cus I'll do it-"

Jay almost laughs. 

"No, no it's not …" Tim feels bad for overloading the poor man with questions.

_Until you called me up and said: "I haven't stopped crying. My - f-father's been drinking. I need a place to stay. I don't want to be here. He's saying the words that he promised he would never say."_

He hiccups. Sounding miserable and tired.

"Are you sure you're safe right now? Where are you?"

"I … nothing was open … so I just snuck out … I'm in the park near my house …" He suddenly takes a shuddering breath and can't speak for a few minutes, quietly sobbing just close enough to the receiver that Tim can feel the pain.

"God this is embarrassing …"

"It's alright Jay, really. I - is Alex not around? Did you try calling him?"

"Heh" - he let out a small laugh - "I … tried but … he hasn't been around since the movie ended. I don't know why. He's just … shut all of us out. Even Amy doesn't know where he went, just somewhere out of state."

"Oh … wow. I - I didn't hear about that ..."

"He - He did this once - before - when he was a teenager. He ran away from home for several weeks. Lived out in the woods until he couldn't stand it anymore. I think he hated his parents - I don't know - they seemed nice to me … nicer than _mine_ but who am I to judge that. He would be fine and happy, and suddenly quit his medication and get … paranoid. Even when he was a kid." 

Tim gulps. He didn't really think of it, when they worked with Alex, that he was suffering from similar problems … he remembered him happy, then changing on a dime in a week's time and lashing out before apologizing again later. God he really hopes he'd never acted like Alex.

He didn't want to tell Jay though, didn't want him to think he was a freak or burden him. 

Jay suddenly cracks again, a terrible shutter of sobs that makes Tim's heart squeeze.

_"That liquid he consumes, makes him speak the truth..."_

_And I said "No, it's not that at all. It's that bottle of lies for a troubled heart. It's standing on the edge of a mountain top, screaming anything he wants like "'look at me, because I exist.'"_

"O-ok, you're right." He sniffs over the line and Tim hears fabric rubbing, likely at his face.

"You can stay the night if you need too, it's not inconveniencing me, though you might find me to be a noisy sleeper." 

"That's fine, anything works, I just don't really feel like sleeping in a ditch again…" Oof, that pokes his heart.

"I can … come pick you up?"

"No-no it's alright, it's a mile walk… besides I need some time … to cool down…"

"It's really late though, could be some creeps…"

"I know, I've walked around late at night before … I rarely see anybody, and if I do I know how to avoid them. Don't worry."

Tim sighed … "Alright … just uh … be careful - you do know how to get to my address right?"

"Yeah, I will."

"Ok."

"Tim?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

"Just hurry over before I think you got kidnapped by a free candy van." Jay laughed a little at that.

"On the way." And he hung up.

So this is where he is, spending about half an hour worrying over every possible thing ever that could happen and tidying his room up so it doesn't look like a Walmart on Black Friday. He probably should've also considered how sketchy this sounds and maybe Jay was a serial killer. God he would usually have a mood of "Why did I say yes?" in this situation - but now the feeling was "Oh my god Jay Merrick is coming over to my house…."

There's a tap at his window screen, and in the pale night is Jay Merrick, just how he remembered him, but more distraught - and maybe a bit too thin. He lifts the screen.

"Hey, you can come in the door you know…"

"No it's ok-" and with surprising agility he swings his jeaned leg over. Plopping down onto the carpet before making a sudden fuss over still having his muddy boots on.

"Are you sure your … parents are ok with me in their house?"

"Well if it's THEIR house I'd be awfully surprised and quite angry cus they haven't been home in let's see - 24 years?"

Jay blinks at him staring, until he finally gets it. "Oh! Wait is it just … you?"

"Mmhmm."

"Oh … cool…" He gives a little dorky smirk. 

"You think more than one person would fit in here? Did you see the outside? It's basically a box with a toilet." Jay gives a little laugh, staring at the carpet, But he's still shaking, hiccuping a bit and folding his arms. He wants to give him a hug maybe, if it would even help.

"Are you hungry? I can make something-"

"Oh no, I don't want to impose anymore-"

"If you were imposing I wouldn't have let you come over - it's fine, it's rough shit you've been through, I get it."

"I mean … if you have … bread … and peanut butter…"

"Sure." Tim smirks. ' _Simple_ _man.'_ _Jay_ follows him, purposely stepping so that he makes little noise behind Tim - _He knows why._ Anger curls in his stomach. He doesn't know how anyone could abuse another person, much less Jay. Jay is actually taller than Tim, but his presence is shrunken, small - It _feels_ like Tim is the taller one. Like Jay is some small child cowering in too big clothes. Tim tries to quiet his own steps, moving around the kitchen, to a less threatening presence. 

"I can make it." Jay blurts out. He looks at Tim again, almost for permission, and then opens the jar of peanut butter and makes a peanut butter sandwich. His shoulders sink somewhat at the first bite, his tremors still present but dulled out. It makes his toes curl at how happy he is just to see Jay enjoy the simplistic thing. He only realizes _he's staring_ when he finishes the last bite. Both simultaneously yawn - then dryly laugh at it.

"Should … go to bed …" Tim shrugs, pushing his hands into his shorts like they had pockets.

"Yeah …"

Tim leads him back to the only bedroom and it suddenly dawns on Jay.

"Oh uh … do you want me to sleep on the couch … or the floor - whatever's good with you."

"Oh … umm if it's alright with you, I thought you could just sleep on … the other side."

"Oh…" he turns a bit red and they're both quiet.

"Ok."

Jay waits for Tim to climb into his side, before shedding everything but his boxers and shirt, before sliding seamlessly under the covers and rolling onto his side facing the wall.

They lay in audible silence. Every few minutes Jay's shoulders hiccup, back still taught with the anxiety and exhaustion of the evening.

_I remember the way you shook._

_It's a shame that we're not soul mates, because if I didn't know better, I'd say this feels pretty good._

That kind of hurt, because with a terrible pang he realizes he never really did get over his crush, and it is all flooding back into his throat like a knot. He considered himself undateable. Anyone that stuck around long enough through his bitchy exterior only met an insane depressed man with no life aspirations besides "live." He couldn't deal with a one-night stand. He'd just be left more heart broken and empty. His problem, _he didn't want the person to leave._ Saying that would just freak any normal person out. He isn't sure he can handle someone getting close to him and leaving. His therapist taught him that's how he protected himself. Can't be hurt if no one could get to him.

But right now the priority is Jay - keep Jay safe by keeping him here and away from his father and from any lurking creatures of the night.

_How could I be scared? When I stretch and feel that you're there._

He's asleep, maybe 30 minutes, when vibrations awake him. He lightly moves his arm back onto Jay's shoulders, who tenses and whispers. " _Sorry."_

"Don't think about it right now ok? You're tired and worked up…"

_So shut your mouth, because these words will speak themselves. I can feel them in these blankets, and they're surrounding your figure, embraced in the quilts. And I can't help but think, You're my missing puzzle piece_ _._

It's nice. Real nice, to have someone next to him, he thinks. It wasn't terribly awkward like he'd imagined, but he may also be just too groggy to be anxious. 

Jay rolls towards him, wiping his face again.

"I know I've asked a lot already but … can you distract me."

"How so?"

"I don't know … I guess … I just want to talk about … anything other than what I'm thinking."

"Hmph." Tim rolls over.

"Alright … uh … how about college."

"Pfft … ok, that works."

"Well … I guess the highlight of that would be Marble Hornets…"

"Yeah…" both of them struggle to hold a conversation.

"Remember that time - when Alex got real pissed that one guy brought his dog."

"Yeah, Seth, poor guy, he looked like he was dying inside…"

"We ALL were dying inside."

Jay snorts, "Ok true… true - I kept trying to cover up Alex by flipping pages loudly …"

"Really? Well I appreciate the effort."

"I was always trying not to laugh, cus you know, I got that Alex was stressed - it was something he was passionate about, but he'd get so effing mad and you always had a counter. I think you're the only one who could piss him off in equal measure."

Tim's heart skips a beat.

"Yeah that was probably partly acting … you know uh … never really good at having a personality… but it let me fit in."

"Well I couldn't tell - you really are a good actor."

"Everyone keeps saying that and I don't believe it - like have they met me? Mr. Robot-man?"

Jay sighs.

"You were doing way better than me - I was dealing with a dumb massive crush all through the movie like some high schooler …"

"Ooooooooooo." He coos coyly.

"What are you, twelve?"

"Probably Jay."

"Hmph."

"Ok who was it?'

"Eh? No - you'll never get it out of me!"

"You can't even give me a little hint…"

"Fine. It was someone we worked with."

"Ooooo how scandalous!" He snarks.

"Stop it!" But he's smiling and blushing.

"Tell me."

"I would tell you but I think you'd kick me out."

"Pfft why, was it Alex? He pissed me off but I don't hate him-"

"No! Alex was - is a good friend but he somehow found a girlfriend."

"Hmm alright - don't tell me it was Brian, not that I'd blame you."

"No-no - although…." Jay smirks.

"Hey, you gotta go through me first if you want to date him, he's like my baby brother."

Jay squeaks with laughter more fit for a teenage girl than a grown man. Then he mumbles, " _Yeah I sure'd have to go through you first…"_

Tim misses the implications.

"Sarah?" He asks.

"N-no I barely knew her!" He smiles cornily.

"Ok well that leaves Seth unless there's someone I don't know about…"

"Wasn't him either…" Jay frowns, internally believing Tim is avoiding the question.

"Who am I missing?" He counts in his head. ' _Alex, Sarah, Brian, Seth and Jay…'_

"Do you have a crush … on yourself?"

"You can't be this dumb …"

"W-what I'm serious, who else is there?"

Jay is quiet letting the gears turn.

' _Alex, Sarah, Brian, Seth and Jay… and himself… himself … him … Tim …. Tim - TIM!'_

"You don't mean … me?" He prepares for the adamant rejection.

Jay is silent. Refusing to look up.

"You had a crush on me!?" He can't believe it.

He nods, hiding his face in the mattress. _'Ho-my god'_ Tim's mind races a hundred miles a minute but he has one more coherent question in mind.

"Do you … still have that … crush maybe?" Jay suddenly ducks under the cover hiding away.

"Oh no … where did Jay go? I could've sworn he was here a moment ago …" Tim says sarcastically with no response. "That's really unfortunate because I was about to kiss his stupid face."

Jay makes a loud peep, and Tim holds the covers up.

"Found you." He whispers.

And they're only an inch apart and both thinking ' _Oh my god is this happening?'_

He can't stand the nervous tension anymore, and presses their lips together. They are still for a minute, assessing the feeling, then Jay tentatively twists to suck at his lower lip and they're moving. It's warm and impossibly soft, and he can feel the ridges of skin and muscles in Jay's lip. They keep coming back in for more, because the feeling is compatible with his old cigarette addiction, though one with many possible consequences, but his commitment to keep certain people away is crumbling completely.

Eventually his lips slip to the corner of his mouth, and start sucking the skin down to his jaw. He turns in sudden aggression and attacks Jay's neck with gentle suction. Because he _misses it_. The one and only 'encounter' he had concluded with both parties deciding to go their separate ways. But even that small taste had always left a hole in his heart that he can barely stand - and now there is someone willing to fill it. But it's more than that - he thinks he'd want Jay even if he weren't so touch-starved.

He licks and tickles at his neck to try and get a noise from the squirming, but he looks up to check his face. His Adam's apple bobs with sounds he swallows down. _Suppressing them_. He doesn't like the idea of Jay afraid to make sound, leaving a painful twinge in his stomach.

"You can -" he forces the words when they stick to the roof of his mouth "can make noise … if you want."

" _Ha-ahh"_ He releases a shuddering breath, with a pleased smile. He stares at Jay wide-eyed, hardly believing there is another human in his bed making those noises for _him._ Then he's searching for skin with his fingers, hand petting over the fine hairs of his chest and Jay almost makes a crying sound, and they are creeping under his belt and - _Stop_.

He pulls his hands back with a jolt. "Sorry, I didn't mean to go that far…"

"You weren't going too far…"

"But Jay… I like you … like a lot, and I don't want to push anything if you're not comfortable…"

"I am though." Jay huffs warmly.

"I don't want to take advantage of you in this state-"

"No, I promise - I really do like you … a lot. I'm just shit at saying anything about it." _'Wow the similarities.'_ He pushes into him with a kiss, and Tim's hands are immediately back at his hips, and with a rough and rather sudden tug, he pulls his jeans down to the knee in one swoop. Jay is inadvertently drawn closer to him and he gasps, legs twisting and untwisting. He kicks the article to get lost somewhere in the bed sheets, and rubs an arm across Tim's stomach, as he pushes up onto his elbows, crawling over him and straddling him with his body. He sits up for a moment, tugging his shirt off, before pulling at Tim's own, and once its over his head, Tim wraps his arms around to press them together, sandwiched in a demanding kiss, pulling him back down to his side, and he can feel his breathing and pulse, and the soft warmth of his muscles and knubs of bone. Jay's thighs squeeze his hips a bit when he grinds against his leg.

"Ha~" he breathes.

He stops moving for a moment, laying his head next to a bewildered Tim, and laves a tongue across his ear, which _really tickles_ and before Tim can catch him he slides down, hovering just above his knees.

He creates a tent in the quilt, still with an instinct to hide himself, blocking the window light, and smiling up at him tentatively. He almost looks like a ghost.

Tim goes clammy with anticipation.

"Wh-what are you … gonna do …"

"Well I have to treat you for your generosity." Jay whispers.

"You're already doing it pretty well."

He brushes and kneads his palm into his front until Tim's gently pleading to be relieved of his shorts.

"Mmm come on … Jay…" Now it's his turn to be shy.

"Okay~" his hands hook at the elastic and pull at them leisurely, until they're off and he spins it off to the side with a goofy smirk.

Tim gulps for the upteenth time that night, exposed to Jay who eyes him like dinner.

"You're more perfect than I thought…" He sighs. "Look at you … so … just perfect."

He gulps, Jay's smile is to die for and he can barely breathe. It's a more loving look than anyone's given him before. 

A thunderclap makes them both jump.

Rain pours down outside.

Jay's eyes are blown open, then he smiles again, alive and happy. His mouth twitches up for the first time in a while, he can't avoid it, not with that look. 

He likes this. Hell, he probably needs this. Someone to look at him like this is a distant dream come true. He breathes with the distant rumbles.

Jay is methodical and slow with his touches, but quick at the same time to change spots, unraveling any qualms he has one by one, until he's relaxed enough to let his legs lay open.

He looks at Tim - and he nods in permission.

He touches a single finger to the tip of his member and he jolts - it tickles. Jay just continues to smile at him.

"Watch, I'll show you something-" Tim zeroes in on him.

"Like this - in a circle, it always gets me a bit riled."

A pointed digit, pushes under his foreskin, circling around the head, slowly, hitting a bunch of different nerves. Tim's breath comes rapidly. He slides over the tip, and it's almost too much, feels a bit like it's burning, but soon his body responds, as some clear liquid beads up, and is rubbed into his skin.

"Holy shit -" He breathes. His head wants to fly back against the pillows, but he sits up on his elbows, wanting to thoroughly witness this. It's almost too much for his nerves to take, body and legs trembling uncontrollably.

Jay collects enough of the liquid, and holds up his fingers, a strand stretches between the two.

It gleams, ethereal in space. ' _Is that really from me…?'_

With a flash of light, his hand slides around him and pulls, stroking.

Each soft tug drags him further, a groan forced from him every time the skin was pulled taut. Kneading him up and down the way. He's painfully hard now.

"I think you're ready."

"Ready for wh- oh." Jay lowers himself so that the blanket entirely covers him. He can't see but _can feel_ what's coming. There's a hot lusty breath against his thigh, and the tip of him is pushed through moist, tight lips.

"Ha-ha .. fu…. Jay that feels great- hck-" he moves down and sucks him in bit by bit, and then the underside runs over his tongue - the texture driving him insane.

"Mmmf - don't stop please don't stop." He begs, ignoring the instinctive shame, his voice getting a bit higher. His legs kick around against the itchy comforter, another feeling he now enjoys, and he holds Jay's head through the wool material. His throat bobs and Tim turns red at the loud, wet noise - but damn does he like it. Jay moves with power, sucking hard when he pulls up, slathering him with his tongue as he pushes down. He hums around Tim and reads him expertly, slowing down when his pleasure builds to a point he could come. But Jay knows he's not ready for that yet, slowing to a desperate pace, knows that the ejaculate he's producing is still lacking if he orgasms at this point. He wants to make this memorable and elongated, to really show how thankful he was.

Tim shutters noises through his hands, scrubbing them down his face.

He usually had problems … getting off. Nothing he visualized sparked anything in him. It was easier to ignore and wait for it to go away then break yourself trying. He was too depressed usually. What was the point of trying?

That problem seemed to be non-existent now. Pleasure took him over and drove back coherent thought. ' _Finally'_ He doesn't want to think, just feel _acutely everything._ He doesn't want this to end just yet. He sits up, and pulls Jay away, gently rubbing his cheek, a slightly worried expression.

"Come here." Jay complies, climbing off his lap, and crawling up his side again, bringing the covers with him. He kisses him hungrily, brushing hair behind his ear, and with the same hand pulls the blanket down off of them. Jay tenses a bit without the covering. 

"Shh … too hot. Don't worry, it's just me here." He wraps an arm under and around his back, palm against his spine, tracing an odd marring there with boiling thoughts.

Jay huffs "Just a surgery scar. Scoliosis." Kissing him on the nose.

"Mmph." He acknowledges, and moves his other hand down to his groin, intending to try and pay him back.

"Mmm..." Jay's voice vibrates in a low octave that chills him pleasantly. There's power in that small body, likely hidden away under a coating of timidity. 

_'This is happening - I'm probably dreaming.'_

Tim does his best to return the favor, and he really can't tell if he's doing good - as it seems Jay is just happy to be touched by him.

"Please, _more._ " He says with a surprising amount of bravery Tim didn't think either of them possessed.

"Ok." He tries curving his member in towards his stomach, earning a nice sound.

"Can I try s-something?" His face was two adorable to refuse, all he could reply with was "hmph" and a nod.

His hips shift, one thigh pressing against his own, soft and spidery fingers bringing them together.

" _Ah, Timothy~"_ he coos softly in his ear, straight to his groin. His hips stutter forward with a thrust into his hands.

He couldn't agree more, and reaches around to dig his nails into his ass, which Jay _really_ likes.

Soon the pleasure starts to get overwhelming and his silence goes out the window with breathy grunts. 

"I-" Jay begins to stutter, but Tim already knows, and captures his mouth. The man shakes delightfully, strokes turning erratic and unmeasured. He shouts into his mouth, tongue wrestling around, as he comes all over their chests. When he feels it splatter on his skin - it only takes a couple more seconds to follow. And it was _the best_. It rips through surprising himself as his abdomen tightens and he has to lean forward against Jay for support.

His hips jump at the oversensitivity as they milk it out as long as possible, huffing in tandem.

He floats back down to earth. And absorbs the feeling of sweat and fluids dirtying them, it's gratifying, but quickly sticky. He reaches for the nearest thing.

"That's your shirt-"

"I'll wash it."

He wipes them up and pulls Jay down next to him, both sweating and breath falling.

Jay attempts to hide himself again.

"Now we're shy again? I thought you were a daring one Merrick."

"I promise this isn't why I called you…"

"Ha-ha no Jay, I know."

"Woop." Jay gives a little cheer.

"Get some sleep, it's 2 am."

He wants to ask if that was a thorough distraction, but it seems like he's entirely forgotten the events preceding this, and he's drifting off pleasantly, nightmares and woes forgotten.

\---

He's not sure when he woke up - or how he got into the hallway.

_I wake up in the hallway, I'm looking for sunlight, with rays that will cure me of the pain that keeps my lungs tight. Ignoring the voices and feelings that tell me 'To get out of this house.'_

He stumbles to the stairs - not being able to see exactly where to go, just knowing he needs his medicine and it's in the upstairs bathroom.

He hears Jay behind him, a sudden reminder that he's not alone and he curses himself for letting him in. Here is another person who would see him for real and get scared, and run away.

But instead he approaches Tim with a gentle smile as his thoughts scream ' _Here it comes.'_

"Tim, are you alright?" A low reverb that barely leaves his throat, still dreary eyed.

" _No!"_ It slips out with a painful mumble.

"Every - every fucking time … I let my guard down, they come to taunt me! I can see shit, scary shit. And the fucking lights. They're not real but they feel real!"

_"_ _I can't make them stop. I'm just like my mom!"_

He sits on the wood stairs, creaking as he leans forward to hide his face. Jay crouches behind him, rubbing his long thin hands over his back. 

_And you said, "No, these demons will fall. You're so precious to us all." And I said, "I - I can't do this alone. I still need you to hold. So don't let go, because I'm afraid."_

"I'm not going anywhere … if you'll have me, of course."

"Please stay here-" He sniffles "-Please don't go."

"What has it been … like 8 hours - and you're already letting me stay in your house. I don't think that's normally how it happens..." Jay huffs nervously, continuing to rub circles into his back.

"What do those - fucking - couples guidelines say about this?" He gestures at himself.

"Well … we're not normal people … there really isn't a guide book for us. We'd have to pathe one."

It puts a stopper in the swirling voices - yeah, take that, he isn't going away.

"Can … can you get … my medication?"

"Sure, where is it?"

"Bathroom … in the cabinet."

"Ok."

He climbs up the stairs, grabbing the medicine, and returning with a glass of water.

"When are you supposed to take these Tim?" He asks him in a calm voice.

"Mmm … I forgot … I forget a lot … I miss the reminders too…"

"It's ok Tim, it's ok, but I'd like to try giving these to you every morning, at the same time, is that ok?"

' _He said 'I''_

"O-ok…"

"I think it might help. We can always try and see."

"Ok…"

"You wanna try and go back to bed? You can't be feeling all that well when you're tired."

"Mm-kay."

"Alright."

Jay takes his hand and leads him down the stairs. He thinks now, that this is probably the most he's heard Jay talk like … ever. He was brave when he wanted to be.

They return to bed, Tim props himself up on pillows - for some reason sleeping upright always helped in the past. Jay lays next to him, a constant presence but also giving him enough space to breathe.

He is tired, especially now that he's laying down, and it finally takes him back into the world of slumber.

\---

A week into their relationship and they just about adjusted to domestic life and fucked like rabbits when they both got home from work. Sometimes they didn't even get to a bedroom, and Tim still shivers thinking about when Jay took him for the first time on a counter of all places. 

It was both their faults really - they kept brushing together preparing dinner, and things spiraled from there, and while he thought their roles would be switched, when it actually came down to it, Tim was unable to function properly, even more so when Jay's small and feeble looking body thrusted into him with such force he was really glad his neighbors were a bit aways. 

Brian came to visit - and was surprised to see Jay Merrick hanging out with Tim that day too. He was elated - _finally_ Tim was actually trying to make friends. But quickly he got the vibe _something_ was up.

They sat on the front steps with a few beers - well Brian had a beer, Tim couldn't for obvious reasons, and Jay just didn't like the taste. They split a rootbeer and Brian _definitely_ noticed that. Tim wouldn't be caught dead sharing something with someone else's spit on it. And yet they each took large sips, mouth fully screwed around the bottle. And while Tim and Brian sit across from each other on the sidewalks, Jay is sitting a step up on the porch, but his whole shin is pressed against Tim's arm like who could care less. 

Jay excuses himself to get some snacks for them to munch on, and heads in through the screen door.

Moments after it shuts: "So, Jay huh?" Brian wiggles his brows and smirks.

"Yeah … what about him?"

"How long you two been hookin' up?"

Tim almost spits his root beer, some getting in his nose. He coughs it up.

"I … uh …"

"WAIT REALLY!?!" Brian gives him an incredulous expression.

' _Shit!'_ Tim thinks, falling for it.

"My man!" He holds his hand up for a high-five, and gets a very slow, unenthusiastic response.

"Niccccceeee."

**Author's Note:**

> I almost cried hearing this the first time
> 
> "And I said no - these demons will fall - you're so precious to us alllll"


End file.
